Oh crap!

My apple flavoured condoms expire in November!

I have the weirdest stuff...

And now I'm gonna have to throw them away!

(can't possibly be a good thing when a girl has things like that expiring on her...)

How you know it's time to consider getting a BF:

Your nine years younger sister asks you if you've met anyone in your tiny home town yet.

You say no.. the only single thing you've met was that dashing young sheep up the valley.

She then proceeds to suggest single guys "just a couple years older than you" (and naming a few of them) who you might be interested in.

"Nope, not interested."

She then starts asking if you didn't meet anyone at the festival a month ago.


I'm not sure what's going on, but I know I don't like it.


Sure, I met someone I might be... interested in. But that's a two-way street and you don't really get to negotiate with a STOP sign..

RealDoll.com

Do you miss someone to be close to? Just want to feel that person next to you who you can conveniently bend into every position imaginable and have your way with?

You can now specify everything from skin colour to the size of penis and breasts (one size larger for only an additional $850). Order NOW and you can get own doll with elf ears, tan lines, or even as a hermaphrodite!

Additional items you may want to look at are Recore Kits, repairing kit for vaginal and anal internal tears, extra faces and extra eyes. You may also need a Second-hand Doll Kit if you have a doll bought used, or in case you want to swap with your friends!

Female versions start at $5,900,male versions at $6,900.

*** September Specials ***

Order a RealDoll, RealDoll2 or Male RealDoll2
and get a FREE FACE!!

WFT?!? LMAO!

Ok, so either I'm getting old, or I haven't been in a chat room for ages (probably both)...

..but who the hell came up with PSML (pissed myself laughing) as the new lol?

Snow. Oh boy.

The first snow this autumn came last night.

Maybe it's just as well I never got around to packing up my scarves...

September 24th

Three months till Christmas!

Two Newborns

This Indonesian biggest-baby-ever weighed in at 8.7 kilos (19.2 lbs) when he was born Monday. Fortunately he was delivered by c-section, I don't even want to think about what it would have done to the poor mother otherwise..

I am never ever ever having kids!!

New Funny Signs

Denmark - Handicap parking. Laziness is NOT a handicap.

El Salvador - I like!

There's a Bible in my bed, There's a Bible in my bed!

Oh wait...

...it took a second before I realized what it was doing there.
A very scary second.


A friend posted a note on Facebook about Adam having called the first woman, in Norwegian, "manninne" ("mann" being "man"). Which probably makes sense if the Bible is directly translated from English (wo-man), but not in Norwegian - my edition (yes, I own one) says "kvinne" which sounds quite different.

Either some Bibles are badly translated. Well... I guess we already know all Bibles are, but for the sake of the argument let's say this was either another bad translation, or the book did not sell well enough so they decided to edit some parts.

Well... again, we all know that is true too.


Man.. it's so hard to be funny criticizing the Bible when all criticisms have already been proven true...

Equinox

Today, September 22nd, the day and the night are just as long all over the globe. From tomorrow on, it'll get darker in the north and lighter in the south. In the north of Europe, Canada and areas along those latitudes, it will get dark half an hour earlier in the evening in just two weeks. And it will stay dark for half an hour longer every morning.

Us Norwegians have a long, dark winter ahead of us. Where I live, in this area of our little town, the sun disappears completely for almost four months. We'll see it on the mountaintops but it won't reach us between November and February. It'll be cold and dark.. very dark.


But... on the bright side (and I could sure use a bright side now), we'll have snow making our world soft and white. We'll see the millions of stars again, and hopefully the aurora borealis; the northern lights, making the sky seem alive. We'll have scarves and mittens, and soon it will be Christmas. We'll have candles again.

Winter can be beautiful.. it just lasts way too long.

Random person on my msn

sweetandhot36@hotmail.com:
hi how r u ?
apples:
I'm good, you?
sweetandhot36@hotmail.com:
am ok thnx
just a little bored :(
apples:
do I know you?
sweetandhot36@hotmail.com:
am maria
and u ?

[clearly this guy is pretending to be a chick... let's try something...]

apples:
I'm george

sweetandhot36@hotmail.com leaves the conversation
sweetandhot36@hotmail.com is offline


They just make it way too easy sometimes, and fortunately I am just tired enough to find that quite amusing :P

Stupid Cars, Stupid People

Will it ever stop?

It does stop. For a minute. Then it starts again.

How stupid do you have to be to set your car alarm in this lil town?!?


Gaaah.... I should be sleeping right now...

David Hasselhoff - Hooked on a Feeling

Oh..my..gosh




Thanks for the tip Adrian, definitely worth it :P

Definition:

cultural difference [kuhl-cher-uh ¦ dif-er-uh ns]
-
-noun
-
1. dissimilarity between societies: Cultural differences are greater in
societies far apart.
-
(Easily noticed f.ex. when an acquaintance demands two photographs of you;
one because his father had requested it, one for himself)

The Battle of the Faraway Kingdom

The brave Reds led by their knight in shining armour Stoltenberg won the battle yesterday, preventing the evil Progress Party and its leader (described by The Times as a "self-styled Viking Margaret Thatcher") from seizing the power in The Faraway Kingdom.

In a time when all its neighbours have succumbed to the the dark forces, this little kingdom still resists. Rather than falling for the trickery and deceit of the feared Jensen of the Dark Blue, the people have prevailed against it.

Heavy losses were reported throughout the night. The court jester, facing ridicule from the Blue, found himself abandoned by his allies and will be missed by all.

The Red is now expected to keep the Blue at bay for some time.

Karma's Kids

Norwegian TV personality Frithjof Wilborn announced in August he was divorcing his wife of 24 years. His new girlfriend, (24 years his junior) was pregnant with twins.

Wilborn left his wife and four kids, and moved to Oslo. A couple weeks later he introduced his girlfriend, aerobics instructor Tina, to the press at the premiere of his new show.

Two weeks after this we read in the papers they lost the twins.

Of course no one deserves a miscarriage, to feel their children die. It must be horrible for everyone involved, and a loss of two little lives. The girl seemed sweet and just caught in the middle of all of this.


Still... a month after the guy left his wife, his kids, his home because of this new little family... it completely disappears.

You gotta wonder... is this karma?

Election tomorrow

The mayor stopped by with buns.
Not hard to tell the election is tomorrow..

Better make up my mind, it just isn't as easy as it sounds...

___

Which is prettier?

Relations in a small town

And I'm talking about the sexual kind.

In a town where everybody knows each other, how do relationships occur? In a town where you rarely meet someone new, how do relationships change? How do you start seeing someone you've known most of your life in a different way?

A few incidents have spiked my interest lately, suffice to say I've come across some interesting cases - some being quite harmonious, others not so much. Interestingly enough, the cases are all connected and involve a member of my extended family (it really is a small town), which means I hear more about it than I probably should. Still I wonder...


How is it you go from seeing someone as the parent of your child's friend, to sleeping with them? Are you attracted to each other all along? Does something happen so you suddenly get attracted? Or do you just figure the choice is so limited you gotta take what you can get?

To quote an acquaintance from a few years back, when numbers of divorces in town (formerly the lowest in Norway) suddenly went through the roof;

"When one starts, the others follow. They're afraid to miss out on the eligible bachelors. Now all these newly single women in their forties are fighting over the same few desirable men."

Keeping the relationship a secret does not seem to be an option here. I've heard enough of "What is she doing going there again? / His car comes from there every morning!" to know people do pay attention. Is sneaking around even possible in a small town?


But it's not the who that is interesting to me, it's the how. How do you start seeing someone differently; how do you start a relationship with someone you know?

How do you sleep with someone you've known for years? Or rather (since I'm pretty sure we know how the how in sex works;) what is it like?


Sexual relations in a small town... it's kinda fascinating being on the outside looking in.

9/11 - When will it end?

We all remember that Tuesday eight years ago. We know the consequences it had for friends and family, for the US as a nation, for the world as a whole - with the "War on Terror", with Afghanistan and Iraq. Americans can't escape the consequences, nor can they escape the day itself;

• Remembrance services are being held today.
• It is officially "September 11 National Day of Service and Remembrance"
• Thousands of people gather near Ground Zero
• People have been encouraged to contribute to a national day of service.
• Throughout the morning there were four "moments of silence", one of each plane.
• Readings of the names of every single person out of the 2,700 who died at the World Trade Center.
  

But you know what did it for me?

• American soldiers in Afghanistan completed a 9.11km run to mark the day.
  

Isn't it all too much? Isn't it time to let go, to say it was a horrible thing that happened, to let families remember their loved ones in peace? I'm gonna go out and say what a lot of people are thinking, the thing that is so politically incorrect to even think that people avoid it at all costs;

It's enough!


I get making September 11th a.. day of some sorts, it's now "National Day of Service and Remembrance". But this focus on the planes that crashed, the towers, the people that died - reading their names. How do the families feel about this? Never being able to let go, constantly being reminded of it year after year. The whole country putting on a show, and their father, mother, daughter or son is the star... along with nearly three thousand others. Just a puppet, a piece in the puzzle.

Fortunately, the day has become more than just 9/11 to some people. Many spend the day helping out in the community, offering their labour, sending care packages to soldiers overseas. Focusing on the present, not on the past, brings far more good, more hope than sadness. Of course, not everyone likes this;

Debra Burlingame, whose brother died at the Pentagon, told Associated Press news agency: "I greatly fear at some point we'll transition to turning it into Earth Day where we go and plant trees and the remembrance part will become smaller." BBC News

I guess some do wish to stay in the past. And that moment in history, that day eight years ago, is the perfect way to explain and justify all the bad decision, the mistakes, the killings and the evil that has taken place since, in parts of the world far, far away from the US of A.

How stick people became extinct

World's Best Diet

Doesn't get any easier than this;

• Sit next to your cat when trying to eat.
• The cat will then stare at you every time you lift the fork.
• You will be overcome with guilt and will not be able to get down one bite.
  

• After a while you give in - this is stupid and the food will get cold.
  
• The cat notices this and follows your every move.
• You then proceed to give half your food to the cat to avoid it staring at you.
  

That's all!

I've effectively reduced your calorie intake by half!
And in the process given you a very stubborn (and potentially overweight) cat.

Enjoy!

To live or not to live...

I was going to write something stupid as usual when my brother called. He said a friend of his had died. Taken his own life.

Nobody seems to understand why. I guess that's how these things work... if someone understood, it might not have happened.

I don't know the facts and I didn't know the guy. I just want to say that even in his death he made a difference to people... even those who didn't know him. I hope there's something better up there.

If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?” - Chuck Palahniuk

Wedding Cake!

With all those bridezilla stories it's good to see someone with a sense of humour!

NotAlwaysRight.com - a funnier way to be bored!

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else,
please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having
a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I
don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the
faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till
when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to
reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning
on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she
must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t
even notice the devil putting them there!”

Election '09

For the first time I don't know which party to vote for.

I decided to take a bunch of tests offered by the various newspapers and TV-networks to see what they say. There were seven in total, I got four different results.

Four of them tell me I should vote for the Centre Party.
One for the Labour Party
One for the Socialist Left Party
One for the Christian Democratic Party

(I choose to ignore that last result since something clearly went wrong there...)

Now... should I simply vote for the Centre Party since that's what most of the tests said? The party was among the top three in all seven tests (most included the seven largest parties in Norway) so clearly I agree with most of what they say.

A few things do make me question the results though.

• First off, a party which was among the top four in all but one test was rated in one as the party I have least in common with.
• Although the results are similar they are not identical - clearly the various tests are focusing on different things; how do I know which one focuses on what is more important for me?
• The tests show very different results as to how the general population should vote.
• In the only test which included the party Red, it was listed just below the overall winner - the Centre Party, the rating being almost identical. This clearly indicates my results would have been different had that party been included in the other tests.
  

Seems like I should check out the party Red some more after all. If you're gonna do it, do it right. So if I'm gonna go way left, go waay left this time. And for some reason I'm reluctant to vote for the Centre Party..


Now, why am I writing all this, when it's not of any particular interest to anyone? Simply to share my confusion, frustrations, and (in the case of you Norwegians) - the links to the tests;

VG
Dagbladet
Nettavisen
TV2
NRK
Aftenposten
Aftenbladet

Anyone seen my bills?

I seem to have made a habit of misplacing bills a few days before they have to be paid. The only bill which comes in the post is the electricity bill, and for some reason it is no longer where I put it (as usual I put it somewhere "smart" so I wouldn't lose it when moving).

Oh how I sometimes wish I was my former organized self, not the scatterbrain I've become!