Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I guess it's time for reflection, for thinking about what I've done, what I've learnt and what I should do better the next year. What stands out more than anything is how much I've grown up this year. They say you become a woman the first time you have sex. That's not true. For me it happened nine months ago, in March. True enough it was after I had had sex, not for the first time, but with someone I really cared about. Yes, this is where I'm going to pour my heart out, I write what I think about because it's the only way I can get it out. I need to get it out, and if you don't like it you can bite my bottom.
This year I've grown up. Emotionally. I'm still naïve and hopeful and realistically optimistic but I've taken a few steps into unknown territory, I've told someone I loved them for the first time and I've had my heart broken. I've told someone I could never love them and felt maybe I could. I've still never had a boyfriend and the thought of having one still creeps me out. I've realized how "I need my space" can hurt someone although I never meant it that way. And I know how not knowing truly is the worst thing there is. Do you know what a frozen lake looks like in March when the ice has started to crack? Something like this? That's what it feels like.
I blame no one but myself. Well actually I do, I blame someone else, someone I've loved and hated and loved again to no avail. It would have taken him five minutes to prevent all of this, but then I wouldn't have learnt this lesson, would I? I've learnt that I should feel more. I've been told I should, the person who told me meant it in a physical way but I mean it in an emotional way. It's not a bad thing to show people you don't have a heart of... ice. I've also been told I seem to have one of those. If I ever did have one it seems to have melted, otherwise I wouldn't know where all the water has come from.
Anger has faded and become disappointment.
2005 has had its ups and downs. I'll remember the ups like I always do, my life this year has been as easy and comfortable as any other year, a year and a life most people on this earth wish they could lead... with certain modifications. I have everything I could possibly need, as I always have. I'm lucky and privileged. And I'm well aware of it. Last year I was ready for 2004 to be replaced by 2005, changing years had never been easier - this one started with two weeks in the sun far away from here. This year I don't want the new one to come. I don't want this one to leave with all its unresolved issues. Letting go doesn't seem to be my style. Sorting things out is.
I want to make the mess that is my life into straight lines so I can try and sort it all out, see what is there and get my facts straight. I want to look people in the eyes and hear the truth, their truths, whether I want to know what they have to say or not.
I realize writing all this makes me seem horribly vulnerable and needy, insecure and dependent on others. It's not like me to write about real feelings but sometimes they're just there. No kinky tests or snowman pictures, just words. They're all I have.
We got a White Christmas this year as well, it snowed a lot a couple weeks ago, then it got warmer and much of it melted before it got a little colder. Today it was -12 (10F), dark, and a billion stars in the sky. I went out for a sec to try and take some pictures (mental note: short skirt and rubber boots is NOT the best thing to wear in the middle of winter). There was a thin layer of new snow, snow flakes big and glistening like they do when it's cold. The northern light, aurora borealis, was out. It was a greenish blue and it stretched like a ribbon across the sky from the west to the north, getting smaller, growing bigger, flowing back and forth.
It's a beautiful place this planet of ours.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
It's been a while since I got that but today it came back. I read about an 11 year old Danish girl. Today the 8th man was arrested for a.. sexual assult, if you will. Her father, one among the eight, hired her out to pedophiles who had sex with her. Four men have already been convicted of buying her at age 10, and four more awaiting their trail.
What can possibly cause someone to behave in this way? Seven men, at least, paid to have sex with a 10 year old girl. Her own father handed her over. What is it I'm not seeing here? What is it that can make some people find this acceptable when the rest of us want to beat the crap out of them?
I don't know how long they'll stay in prison but I hope it's long. Rape sentencing in Norway is a joke, four years for gang raping a 12 year old, that's what people get around here. I hope Denmark does better. Something like this, and particularly what the father did, is the closest I'll ever get to agreeing with having a death penalty. But I guess someone has to die first and this girl didn't.
She's 11. She's eleven years old. She's a little kid. Where does she go from here?
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Well I didn't think the reason was they all stopped having sex...
Monday, December 12, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I always wanted a lamb as a pet - they're the cutest ever. Once I met a mad sheep though, it chased me down a hill and I had to jump over a gate-like-thing to get away from it. Sheeps are usually the most peaceful creatures ever but that one was maaad...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
- Moisturizer (creamy stuff to stop your skin going greasy and/or dry)
- Foundation (like paint, the colour is usually some shade of brown)
- Powder (is just what it says, usually brownish)
- Eyeliner (pencil, usually black, to draw lines around the eyes)
- Eyebrow... liner? (pencil to draw on your eyebrows)
- Mascara (waterproof) (liquidy stuff to put on eyelashes with a brush)
- Eye shadow (powder paint in all colours, goes on the eyelids)
- Lipstick (sticky thing you put on the lips)
- Lip gloss (even more sticky, goes on top or instead of lipstick)
To start on top... the moisturizer isn't something I consider make up but I needed it to mix with the foundation, otherwise it would have been too strong. I bought this foundation thing, the only one I have, and ever have had, two and a half years ago and I've tried it out three or four times. It's sticky, greasy and would just take too long to get it right. I was kinda surprised it hadn't turned green yet...
The powder was fine, didn't really need it with all that stuff on my face already. Didn't wear rouge as that would just be way too much. Eyeliner... the black thing always looks weird, it's like a thin line and it shouldn't be like that. Mascara... I need a new one... The waterproof one I have (a must around here) has always been horrible so I've only used it a few times.
Today I realized why – the thing down in the.. bottle? (make up expressions - not my strong side) that is supposed to stop too much mascara coming out just wasn't there in that one. So whatever was there would attach itself to the brush and my eyelashes would glue themselves together and I couldn't really open my eyes anymore... Eye shadow.. now that was fun. I decided on brown to go with the whole foundation mess. It just looked too much but when I took it off it wasn't too bad.
It might not sound like it but the result when I was done wasn't too bad. It looked, to me at least, perfectly wearable.
Now, as if this wasn't enough, and I'm sure you've found this exceptionally interesting already, I'll list some of my own pros and cons wearing make up;
- I don't like putting lots of goo on my face
- Takes a lot of time
- If you eat something your lip gloss disappears
- If you drink something there's lip gloss all over your glass
- When it rains it moves around (and by 'rains' I mean 'pours' cuz there's no such thing as 'a little rain' around here)
- When it's hot it moves around (hot as in warm summer day)
- If I put on / take out / move my contacts cuz they itch it might get messy
- If I rub my eyes, which I do, especially when I'm tired, mascara goes all over the place
- There's something about eye makeup that makes me incredibly tired no matter how late I slept that morning – so much for “Look fresh all day!”
- If you blow your nose you've got foundation on the paper and a white spot around your nose
- If you've got long hair it sticks to your lips
- It looks nice.
- It feels great to clean your face in the evening!
You know... I think I'm gonna go back to doing it my way. Maybe the “tired, eyes closing and cotton in my head in the evening” only happens to me (could I found something I'm allergic to?). I don't wear make up every day but I'm not saying I never wear any. But going 'all the way' like I tried today is simply not for me.
If you love it and can't imagine letting go of your concealer or foundation or whatever magic potion it is you have then good for you! I just don't know how you do it.
Now I'm gonna go wash my face off after I've taken out the toothpicks I've used to keep my eyelids open.
Maybe she's born with it.
Believe me – she's not.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Sex is more than just physical. It is one of the ways to build an emotional bond between two people. Sex gives adults the opportunity to act like children again. You know how to enjoy kinky sex. You may have problems finding a lover equally adventurous that isn't a slut or a womanizer. But with time and affection the nicest lady and most refined gentleman can become as wild in bed as you are. Communication is the key.
I find this puzzling... I'd say most of the questions in this test were rather innocent and I don't really think anyone would say "No way!" to any of them. It asks if you'll masturbate in front of a partner, if you'll do 69 and whether you'd play with handcuffs and all of a sudden you're kinky...
Oh well... the 'you may have problems finding a lover' is true though. Not that I'm looking. Just waiting. I wonder if I'll find someone who's up for it. Or down...
Also from OkCupid!
A newletter landed in my inbox with links to five tests. I took the one that would tell me what major I should choose, seeing as I can't ever figure out if I'm doing the right thing.
This is what I got:
You scored 16 mental chops, 8 work ethic, 15 bullshitability, and 8 practicality!
You don't mind pulling things out of your ass, but you don't want to think and you don't want to work too hard. You also apparently don't want a job. Psychology is perfect for you!
Wonderful! Why don't I just try psychology? Again?!
I did a one year course of psychology last year. I didn't get to start a bachelor degree since I wasn't in the top 4% of my class. A wasted year? Perhaps.
I do, however, resent the fact that this test says I don't want to think. Now THAT is bull shit (which I also seem to have enough of). And why should psychologists not want a job? Only a few of them go all Freud when they're done.
I did NOT like this test.
This one from OKCupid!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
One of them, a 28 year old, explains it this way: - We were sitting discussing how cheap the girls in Tromsø really are, and how easy it is to get laid in this city, if you just try. We were at a late party after the New Year celebration last year and that's when one of us suggested this competition.
Radio Tromsø was allowed to send an interview with the 28 year old but afterwards he backed out. They've published some of it on their web pages.
RT: - How many girls have you had sex with so far?
28: - I'm not saying, but I think we passed 50 each as early as May and June.
RT: - How do you know your friends won't cheat?
28: - We actually discussed that and decided we trust each other and respect each other enough to be honest when we do the final count on New Years eve this year.
RT: - There are rumours about this on the town. Has it become harder to pick up women?
28: - One of us must have said something to someone. I have no idea who. But it doesn't really matter, the women I try to get with don't seem at all suspicious. It's pretty easy to get some in this town.
RT: - But the cat is out of the bag now. This interview can ruin a bit for you.
28: - You might be right about that. But I don't really care about that either. As I said, it's easy to pick someone up. I know if I'm getting any within 20 minutes.
RT: - You say it's so easy. How do you do it?
28: - Personally, I've put up personal ads everywhere on the net and I also use SMS chat. I get quite a few there. Then I'm on the town stone cold sober 3-4 times a week and it's kinda there I score the most.
RT: - And what about the girls? Do you ever think about telling them they're just a number?
28: - No are you crazy? And anyway, I just go after women who aren't very attractive. Those who are really chubby are the easiest to get to bed. They've got the lowest self esteem and are the most desperate. Actually, they should just be happy a cool guy such as myself would be bothered to sleep with them.
RT: - How often do you have sex?
28: - Some times it's really slow, but I actually managed to get five from Thrusday to Sunday sometime in June.
RT: - And STIs?
28: - Heh heh, we've talked about that too. Someone actually suggested that those who get mouldy balls are discqualified from the bet. But I guess it's up to the individual to protect himself.
RT: - And what about you?
28: - It's like 50-50 if I use a condom or not. Depends if I've remembered it or if she has in her purse or in a drawer or something.
RT: - Has anyone ever 'taken a hit'?
28: - Not that I know of. I haven't got any.
RT: - Don't you have a trace of bad conscience?
28: - For what? It's adult girls I sleep with. It's their choice and I've never forced anyone to do anything.
Now I guess you're expecting me to want to get those guy's heads (or other body parts) on a platter to show to the world what we'll do with guys behaving like this.
I'm not even gonna go there.
I actually don't have too much of a problem with it... Just a few things.
- I would never, under any circumstance, want to be with a guy like that. Not as in a 'relationship' (I'd run away if I ever found out) and not as in a night. I'm not a number. And quite frankly I don't think he'd be able to put up with me for hours on end just to get laid.
- They shouldn't lie. They shouldn't pretend there's 'something there' when the girl is a number.. Whether they do or not is something they'll never tell and the girls don't have a say.
- "Those who are really chubby are the easiest to get to bed. They've got the lowest self esteem and are the most desperate." I get that they do it just for the numbers, but what do they think it does to someone with 'the lowest self esteem' when someone seems to like them, then run away as soon as they've seen them naked and have done their business?
The media here has talked about this a little, it's been said that most guys do this in some form and to some extent. But this is extreme and the guys have been labelled as deviants, as having intimacy issues and as being in need of professional help.
I'm not qualified to say anything about that. And I'm not sure why everybody's going nuts over it. Many guys do this. They just don't call it a bet. That, however, doesn't mean I think it's... a nice thing to do. It's not exactly how I think sex should be.
As always, I'm torn between the 'do it and have fun' and the 'do it if you care about someone'. I usually say I agree with the first; leaning towards the second would label me as a prude. Which I don't believe I am but I'm still not able to raise myself above getting annoyed when someone calls me old fashioned.
Then maybe we are 'cheap' as the guy says. 'Cheap' or 'Prude' are the options availible to us. The women he sleeps with are with one guy and are cheap, he sleeps with a couple hundred and... guys just can't be cheap, can they? I've wondered about that for years and I'm not getting any smarter. Then again, neither are the guys.
Could that be why many girls agree to sleep with someone like that? Sure they could want to, of course they might like the way the guy looks and simply want to have a quickie. Maybe he's pushing for it, maybe she's the one who's doing that. Do all girls follow their instincts or are most of us easy to persuade? Does 'yes' sometimes mean 'I don't know'? Does 'ok' mean 'no'?
"Sleep with me and you're cheap. Don't, and you're a prude."
I think most girls have experienced a guy's defensive spikes when she turns him down. They sting.