Christmas

It's that wonderful time of the year again. Christmas Eve was just here and the new year is only four days away. I've been home for a week and a half and I'm loving it.

I guess it's time for reflection, for thinking about what I've done, what I've learnt and what I should do better the next year. What stands out more than anything is how much I've grown up this year. They say you become a woman the first time you have sex. That's not true. For me it happened nine months ago, in March. True enough it was after I had had sex, not for the first time, but with someone I really cared about. Yes, this is where I'm going to pour my heart out, I write what I think about because it's the only way I can get it out. I need to get it out, and if you don't like it you can bite my bottom.

This year I've grown up. Emotionally. I'm still naïve and hopeful and realistically optimistic but I've taken a few steps into unknown territory, I've told someone I loved them for the first time and I've had my heart broken. I've told someone I could never love them and felt maybe I could. I've still never had a boyfriend and the thought of having one still creeps me out. I've realized how "I need my space" can hurt someone although I never meant it that way. And I know how not knowing truly is the worst thing there is. Do you know what a frozen lake looks like in March when the ice has started to crack? Something like this? That's what it feels like.

I blame no one but myself. Well actually I do, I blame someone else, someone I've loved and hated and loved again to no avail. It would have taken him five minutes to prevent all of this, but then I wouldn't have learnt this lesson, would I? I've learnt that I should feel more. I've been told I should, the person who told me meant it in a physical way but I mean it in an emotional way. It's not a bad thing to show people you don't have a heart of... ice. I've also been told I seem to have one of those. If I ever did have one it seems to have melted, otherwise I wouldn't know where all the water has come from.

Anger has faded and become disappointment.

2005 has had its ups and downs. I'll remember the ups like I always do, my life this year has been as easy and comfortable as any other year, a year and a life most people on this earth wish they could lead... with certain modifications. I have everything I could possibly need, as I always have. I'm lucky and privileged. And I'm well aware of it. Last year I was ready for 2004 to be replaced by 2005, changing years had never been easier - this one started with two weeks in the sun far away from here. This year I don't want the new one to come. I don't want this one to leave with all its unresolved issues. Letting go doesn't seem to be my style. Sorting things out is.

I want to make the mess that is my life into straight lines so I can try and sort it all out, see what is there and get my facts straight. I want to look people in the eyes and hear the truth, their truths, whether I want to know what they have to say or not.

I realize writing all this makes me seem horribly vulnerable and needy, insecure and dependent on others. It's not like me to write about real feelings but sometimes they're just there. No kinky tests or snowman pictures, just words. They're all I have.



We got a White Christmas this year as well, it snowed a lot a couple weeks ago, then it got warmer and much of it melted before it got a little colder. Today it was -12 (10F), dark, and a billion stars in the sky. I went out for a sec to try and take some pictures (mental note: short skirt and rubber boots is NOT the best thing to wear in the middle of winter). There was a thin layer of new snow, snow flakes big and glistening like they do when it's cold. The northern light, aurora borealis, was out. It was a greenish blue and it stretched like a ribbon across the sky from the west to the north, getting smaller, growing bigger, flowing back and forth.

It's a beautiful place this planet of ours.

Merry Christmas everyone!