The story

This blog is almost one year old now. I've told a few stories and I've read many. I've started Uni, met new people, seen new places. I thought I'd share the one story that has been on my mind this entire year. It's moved on and stopped a few times. I've been up high on the clouds but I've also fallen back down to earth. This is something I haven't wanted to say yet it's all I can think about at times. This is something that might step on toes and hurt some feelings. Before it was too early. Now it is too late. This is a long one.

This is a story of the heart.


A little over a year ago I got an email. It was from a guy I didn't know, asking, very politely, if I would mind telling him a bit about this country and the people here. We kept talking for months, on and off, before he said he was coming here. He was spending a week or two outside in the freezing cold of Norway in March and I was doing my best to book plane tickets and find a hotel.

Things worked out, I flew to Trondheim and I spent a day with a bunch of guys. Wonderful day. I even wrote about it once.

He went back to the US, I went home for Easter. We kept talking. He even sent me some books he said I had to read. Which I did. March ended and April began. I hadn't seen him online for a while but that's what it's like on here. Time zones and all. A few months earlier, after we hadn't talked for a while, he sent me his yahoo IM address, AIM address, email, phone number, any way imaginable to get in touch with him. Or so I thought. We never talked on AIM and that was the only account that was online. Weeks passed and he didn't talk. I went back to using MSN and didn't know if he was on or not. How long do you wait for someone to start talking to you?

You meet then a few weeks later you never hear from the person again. Strange though... he really didn't seem like that kind of person.

So I asked. I asked my 'online people' what to do. All but two gave me the same answer. "He's a player. You've been played. That's what we guys are like. Get over it." I wrote about that too.

Reluctant to stop trusting the first person I've really ever trusted, I didn't know what to do. My advice to someone in that situation would be "It's time to move on." So I tried. I met a guy. A really nice guy. He liked me. And he knew, and asked me several times "do you still think about him?". And I said "Yes. I do."

It was June. Mid June. About time to go home for summer. I log onto Trillian and see the bright yellow light of AIM shining at me. He's still online. Or his account is. Time to ask. Time to get over it. So I tried.

"Would you mind answering one question, then you'll be rid of me for good?"

And the answer?

"My name is ____ ______...if it was mike that you were looking for..."

He wasn't there. He hadn't been there since the beginning of April. Apparently it happened suddenly. He'd been sent off somewhere. Deployed.

June was great. June was rainy. When I was in France I once thought 'The heavens are crying so I don't have to.' June was miserable. I felt trapped inside myself. There were nice times but.... When I had that AIM conversation the ground disappeared from under my feet.

I went home. Then came July. And an email.

"I have been gone for a while...
I'm back..."

I sent an email back and asked why he hadn't told me he left. Angry lil email.

"----I couldn't."

I send one back. Nothing. A few days later I'm going on vacation so I send another saying I hope he'll be around in a week. Nothing.

In August I talk to his colleague who was on his AIM again.

"He is back this week coming up--
something was wrong with him i think."

He'd been away, he'd been sick or injured, but now he was coming back. It was August.

Now it's October.

I talked to the colleague again today. Checking in after the hopeful last message that ran out in the sand. Pretty literally. He had been sick. He had been there a week ago. Now he's preparing to go back to Iraq. That's where he was before. At least that's what I'm told, I still don't know how much to trust someone like that. I don't trust easily.

How long do you wait, hope and trust someone before you move from "strong, hopeful and positive" to "naive and just stupid"? Now I know, assuming I was told the truth, that he's right there. If he wanted to he could turn on the computer or pick up the phone. Or even send a letter. Is it that I just can't take a hint? We met once and he started jumping continents to escape.

I've gone through every emotion there is. And that's fine, it's good to explore what's in your heart sometimes. But the knowing I have no right to even think any of this is horrible. Whatever I've been thinking or feeling, it's not even a speck of dust in the universe compared to what those guys are thinking, feeling and going through every day they're out there. I need to have a right to feel something. But I don't. I only met the guy once, why do I even care?

I've been wondering what to do, I've been trying to forget. Once in a while you meet one of those people who seem different. We didn't start writing so we could meet up when he got here. We didn't sit up all night talking because we might end up in bed. Could be he knew when he left we'd never meet again. Very possible. And that's fine. But I'd like to know too.

I know I'll never forget, and I don't want to. But I have to stop thinking about it or I'll go nuts. I don't trust him anymore and I don't think I can. I don't think I need to either. Because nothing of what I'm feeling matters. They're just silly little thoughts in the head of a hopelessly naive girl.

I know what I have to do now.

He might be leaving again and I have no way of knowing. One thing is he's going back out there. Another is I don't know if he thought about the fact that there were people out here who would want to know he's leaving. But I hardly think that matters. Other things are much more important. I never asked anyone to go easy on my feelings. I only ever asked for the truth.

But I do love him. And I always will. Not "in love" kinda love, but the deep one you feel for someone who matters. Someone who made a difference. Someone who made you a better person.

As hard as it is to think, it's even harder to write.

I know what I have to do.

I have to let go.