Memories

I've been looking around for a cassette I always listen to when we go on holiday up north. We're leaving Saturday and it's about time I find it - I've looked everywhere I can think of but it's nowhere to be found. Cassettes used to be kept in a closet which is now my sister's room. My sister refuses to look for it, saying "It's not there, I know it's not there. I just know." Naturally, she also refuses any request from my mother or I to see if we can find it. Then she runs into her room and locks the door.

I know she's not worried we find something we shouldn't find (like I would be if they wanted to go through my closet), she's got no problem with my mum puttin clothes in there or other things. She's really just being stubborn. I know it all too well cuz I used to be like that.

Anywho, looking through my room I've been finding some old scraps of paper with things I wrote down years and years ago, when I was a kid and too young to be embarrassed. Here's one of them:

So many things I cannot do
So many feelings I cannot feel
So many people I will not meet
So many stars I will not reach

Although the literary quality is..well.. *ahem* not that good, it is fun to find these things. The only reason I saved it was 1) I just put stuff wherever there was room and never throw away anything, and 2) I knew that "when I grow up it will be fun to look back on". I never actually 'saved' anything, as such, because I knew it all kinda sucked.

Except this one thing I wrote in a book I can't find anymore. I must have thought of it when I was around 14 and I really liked that one. I only remember the general feeling of it, and a couple lines going

I don't want to leave but I just can't stay
In a prison so far far awy
My feelings and thoughts must be free

I assume the reason I like it is it takes me back to that time and place, to the people I knew and the innocent pain you feel when you realize it's time to let go of someone you used to care for deeply. I wasn't sad then, it was just knowing I had to stop having feelings for someone because it would make it easier.

Telling myself how to feel used to be an advantage but now I've lost the ability to do so. I'm used to controlling my feelings, not the other way around. Letting go of someone used to be easy, now it's impossible.


That's not quite true... it is impossible, but it's not because I've changed. I'm more... peaceful, and letting things pass, go with the flow, is easier than back then. I'm tempted to think it's a person who did this to me. To think that it's not letting go in itself, but letting go of him which is impossible.

Which is ridiculous. I only met the guy once.

The night was never quite as still
As when you lay with me
Your breath was calming
Your touch was soft
Your sweet eyes looked at me
A little sting of pain I felt
When you explored the rest of me
But you took the pain away and left me
Happy and amazed by thee