Natural Harvest - a collection of semen-based recipes

A cookbook by Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer

FOREWORD
"Semen is nutritious. It contains a good balance of fructose sugars, protein, enzymes, vitamins and minerals. On its own, semen meets the criteria for a low-carb food. In fact, Dr. Atkins would probably have praised semen as an ideal food had it not been considered a faux pas."

Although most of us would find this slightly.. erm.. gross, the author does have some good points. People already eat blood, flesh from animals, we drink milk from what are basically the cow's breasts, we eat liver, caviar. What is caviar? Fish eggs! We're already eating so many strange things, what makes semen different - or worse?

"Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. 

This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist!"

After being posted online the cookbook had quickly been downloaded 100.000 times. The author decided it was time to make it into an actual book, and since then it has become wildly popular. To read more, see www.cookingwithcum.com.


Unfortunately, I do not have access to any semen so I can't try any of the recipes. If I had had access to semen, I still would not have tried any of the recipes. Sex is fun, food is fun. Sex and food? I'm sure the harvesting of the ingredient would be fun but... "Honey, give me a squirt will you, I'm gonna make hot chocolate with cream"?

I think I'll pass!

I've only been back a week...

...and I'm already sick and tired of going into the kitchen, turning the oven on, only to realize there's smoke coming out whenever someone has used it (and especially after one flat mate has made moussaka which, surprise, surprise, he did today).

We've done all that before, set off the alarm. That means having the alarm howling, in the entire building, for 45 minutes, and sending 157 people out in the cold. Then spending the rest of the evening answering questions from fire fighters and police.

Sometimes I hate living with students...

Meat all Pooped

Imagine you're sitting down for dinner one Sunday. You're having lamb roast, it's been in the oven, the table is set and you're cutting it. You cut the first piece and find something dark. More precisely, you find sheep's poo inside your Sunday dinner.

______________________________________________________


Norweigian company Gilde, largest producer and seller of all sorts of meat thought trouble was over for this time after the past months' discoveries of E.coli in some of their products. The bacteria was found after several children around the country suffered kidney failure.

At first, Gilde's minced meat was found as a link between the children. Gilde immedeatly sent out orders to throw away or return a long list of products. Those returned would be tested both by the company, and Mattilsynet, the Norweagian FDA.

Two weeks later Gilde was cleared of all suspicions, only to direct it onto other products such as salami and other cured sausages from the same company. All products were cleared from the shops, as had happened two weeks earlier with the minced meat, and the source of the bacteria was finally found.

This week it came out that company Gilde had sent out several tons of food to shops even after they knew it were infected with the E.coli.

______________________________________________________


Strangely, the poo worries me more than the bacteria. Of course the E.coli is much more dangerous and I'm not someone to go "eeeeek!" when seeing a bug (nor poo), but bacterias are everywhere and although that kind should definitely not be in food, it is impossible to see whether there's anything there or not.

Not so with poo. If it's there, you see it. Not that sheep's poo is particularly large but if two hard lumps are able to get inside your Sunday roast, it must have got there somehow. Do they not clean the animals? Or do they put some poo aside for inspiration? Shouldn't they get that all out before they cut the meat up and wrap it?

The way I see it, the bacteria could get in there without anybody noticing. They should make sure it can't and won't happen, but it's hard to see if it does. Both for them and for us. The poo, although not as dangerous, is easier to spot. If poo gets through, who knows what else does? What other kinds of bacterias have got through, and was this outbreak of E.coli the first, or simply the one everybody noticed?

poo info from vg.no

Anybody up for a tofu burger?

Pasta!

I've always wanted to try and make pasta from scratch. I'd been looking around for durum wheat everywhere and finally found it - imported from Italy - a few months ago. Today was to be the day.

I decided on ravioli since I found a nice recipe in my book Italian & Pasta. I had the durum wheat, the eggs, the olive oil and did what the recipe said.

Then I left it for a bit before finding the rolling pin. I had the strange feeling of trying to squeeze a brick as thin as paper. Hard dough + no muscles = thick pasta.

I then filled it with a mix of butter, garlic, shallot onions, cellery, mushroom, mozarella and parmesan. To my great surprise I found it actually tasted nice.

Cut, fill, squeeze. Cut, fill, squeeze. Cut fill, squeeze.

There we go then, leave it for a little while, watch some curling (Norway - Sweden in the ladies' semi finals). Boil for a few mins, put on plate with a butter-garlic-pepper sauce and some cheese on top. If there's one thing I love as much as pasta, it's gotta be garlic.

Taste. Yumm..... *chew chew...chew*! Alright, that was a disappointment... I think they were too thick. And not boiled long enough. Is this really how pasta is made?


Oh well, at least I've tried it now. Won't know if you like it until you've tried. I believe I had three pieces of ravioli - I couldn't even chew them. There's more in the fridge.

And we didn't even win the match!

Syrup

Today I managed to knock a box of syrup off the counter then catch it with the cupboard door before it reached the floor. But it was hanging sideways so the syrup was everywhere. I cleaned up the sticky stuff and proceeded to knock a lid and some metal-plastic thing covered in syrup back onto floor. I'd put the syrup box on the counter and my mum put a paper thingy on it for me to put the box on and it was all a sticky mess. I got syrup on my sock and all over the place... Syrup really doesn't taste very much... guess that's why I've never really liked it. Sticky stuff... gotta be good for something though...

Our mum was going to make the dough for gingerbread houses today but she forgot so I helped her. My sister and I are going to make the houses tomorrow. We weren't supposed to make any this year because we're only staying at home until the 28th so we won't really be here too long this Christmas. But a tradition is a tradition and we don't have them for nothin. I wonder how many we'll make... Gotta make some of the little ones and maybe the big one if there's enough dough (and if we're bothered, it's rather difficult) and maybe the stables. We're gonna make gingerbread hearts to put in the windows. My mum suggested we could just buy gingerbread houses this year, sorta as a joke. That's where it starts! You buy the houses one year, the cookies the next!

Saint Lucie

December 13th is when we celebrate Saint Lucie in Scandinavia. I don't know if that's what it's called in English since, as far as I know, we only really celebrate this up here in the north. In kindergartens and at school the kids dress up in white gowns and have tinsel(?) around their heads, carrying candles. One of the oldest kids is in front with a crown like thing with candles (not real candles) on their head. We make lussekatter and give them out to the other kids. The kindergarten I went to was right next to an... old people's home is what we call it. We used to go there with our lussekatter in baskets and sing the song holding our candles. They used to turn the lights off so it was all dark when we came. Happy days...

Yesterday my sister and I made gingerbread cookies. I posted one pic below and we made a little family and some little ones. Our mum made the dough the day before and although she only made half of what she usually does (way too much left from last year), we still made loads. Can't have Christmas without pepperkaker! We're making gingerbread houses Wednesday... and hearts to tie red ribbons to and hang in the windows. I'm just waiting for the snow to come. Tomorrow is supposed to be stormy here in the west, lots of wind. They're telling us to bring in things that can fly away and if we've got a Santa Claus in our garden we shouldn't leave him out there. I can't see no Santa in my garden... lil early for that.

Love has no colour