A few nights ago I dreamt I had a child.
The birth itself was quick, easy, painless. The baby was big. I breastfed her. It felt amazing. I felt so connected to her, like nothing I've ever felt before.
The child grew fast - two days later she had eight teeth and was like an eight year old. I remember in the dream I said "you have like eight theeth". I don't know why eight - it was more like twelve. But she was like an eight year old.
I've never felt that desire to have kids. I crave freedom, I don't know where I'll be, what I'll do. Who I'll be with. For the first time, though it was in a dream, I felt what it was like to have a child.
I know dreams are dreams. But often dreams are very real to me... they've helped me see things I haven't otherwise, to realize, to overcome... To feel, more than anything. Dreams are said to come from the subconcious - and I believe that more than anything.
A few years ago, after six months on the malaria prophylaxis Lariam, known to affect your mind, your emotions, your dreams... I finally realized dreams are more than we give them credit for. By then, of course, I had countless dreams each night, woke up every 90 minutes, and at first it was wonderful. The dreams turned darker, though.
What it taught me was that dreams are often more than what they seem. Uusally we don't pay much attention to them, we forget them when we wake up - most of the time, these days, I don't remember my dreams. However unpleasant they turned at the end - I miss them.
But occationally I do remember my dreams. Like last night... I was present throughout my dream, not like it usually is - I wake up and try to think what it was about. This time I remember.
I remember what it was like to have a child. I remember what it was like to feel such a defenseless creature, so close. Like an itsy bitsy kitten - so helpless, so adorable. I've never felt that way towards kids. A lot of them are really nice.. but that's about it. For a while I've hoped it would happen some day - as people I've gone to school with start having kids, not just once, but two or three, that I would start to feel that desire too.
I can only hope that my biological clock will start ticking some day. I don't know what's worse - to know you should want kids but not being able to feel it.... or to want them and not be able to, or getting around to, having them.
Strike that - I know what's worse. I've never been there, but nothing could be worse than wanting something like that, and never getting the chance to have it.
Bloggers always write about family members asking them "so... when are you going to have kids?". No one seems to take into account the fact that you need a guy to do the deed.
And for those of us who don't yet want them? As for me... I'm just hoping my clock will start ticking... some day. Because that dream... that dream felt pretty damn good.