Thursday, May 29, 2008

Being way too honest

Once upon a time I knew a guy. I told him about another guy I'd met, and how we'd spent sometime together before he said we probably shouldn't see each other again. I knew that would happen, but the fact that it happened the very next time I saw him, the first time after I'd slept with him for the first time - with anyone for the first time - it did seem a bit.... fuzzy. That's the best way I can explain it.

The guy called me a week later and said "oh hey... guess what... I want to see you." Just like that. "Goodbye, we should never meet again", then "I want to see you again". What did I do? "I said "We've already said goodbye and... That's it. The end." He said "Errr...ok!" And hung up the phone.

Now, I told this other guy the story and his reaction was "what, you felt pleasure telling the guy no? Why would you do that?" - and it's true, it felt good. It felt very good to say no. To know he wanted to see me, that, perhaps, he regretted his decision. Probably (ie. definitely) just cuz he wanted sex, but still - I got the last word. I didn't want to see him again. I wasn't bitter and I wasn't mad... It was just.... "on a dit adieu" - we've said goodbye.

But it's always followed me, that comment. "You felt pleasure in saying that." And it's true. I did. I do. And I don't think that's too bad a thing to do. Still... the comment has always stuck. And it hurt. Why couldn't someone I care about see that I neededto get over him? When someone treats you badly, you don't just pretend nothing ever happened. At least I sure as hell don't.

But... Do I want to build my life around hurting other people? Do I want to be the kind of person who takes pleasure in other people's misfortune? Don't I want to find joy and happiness in what makes me happy at the time - rather than what makes me smirk at others in the future?'

As my sister's MSN status said a few days ago:
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

And that guy sure made me smile. But so did the other one, who critisized me for my reaction to the first.

The first guy I only knew for a few weeks, but I experienced a lot of firsts with him.

The second guy.... although I never really knew him, we talked for six months, met once, then he disappeared. If there's every any bitter in me, it's because of that. But he taught me things, probably without knowing. He made me want to be a better person.

And I realized that someone who gets to you physically is so much easier to get over than someone who gets to you mentally. Someone who can get under my skin, someone I look forward to talking to all day, waiting for hours every night.... then realize he's never coming back. I'd truly never felt that kind of pain before. And it'll never go away. It will forever be a part of who I am. How can I ever claim to be looking for the truth in life, when I can't even find out the truth about what happend in my own life?

I've never felt either that physical or mental attraction to anyone else since I met those two guys. How wonderful would it be to one day find both those qualities.... well.... both those way of attraction, to me (very subjective), someone I could be attracted to physically as well as mentally. Someone who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me question my own statements and decisions, yet in the end make me feel good about myself and what I'm doing.

I do believe my decision was right - when someone hurts me, I don't go crawling back. I don't crawl. I'm probably too proud and pretend-confident for my own good. So if you do something to me I don't like, don't just expect a second chance. You'll have to earn it.

And if you know me, you'll know exactly how to do that.

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