No, I am not dead...

...though I see why you might think so.

The thing is.. the more I have going on, the more people I talk to every day, the less I feel the need to spill my guts on here. Between working, volunteering and negotiating my way through living with my parents - I'm all talked out!

But now it's summer. I've done nothing since the school holiday started three weeks ago.

Today my parents suddenly went off to Turkey for two weeks, my sister is moving home and the only thing I have to do is sort through my entire childhood in the attic and decide what parts of it to throw out.

...though I have a feeling there was something else...

Oh yes. Find a job. I definitely need to find a job.

Just sucks most jobs are in Norway when I don't want to be.

Kids

A few nights ago I dreamt I had a child.

The birth itself was quick, easy, painless. The baby was big. I breastfed her. It felt amazing. I felt so connected to her, like nothing I've ever felt before.

The child grew fast - two days later she had eight teeth and was like an eight year old. I remember in the dream I said "you have like eight theeth". I don't know why eight - it was more like twelve. But she was like an eight year old.


I've never felt that desire to have kids. I crave freedom, I don't know where I'll be, what I'll do. Who I'll be with. For the first time, though it was in a dream, I felt what it was like to have a child.

Kitty's wet day

"A hungry kitty stood by the river's bank when a bread crumb came along. The kitty reached out, caught the bread crumb, and ate it. Then a slice of bread came down the stream. The hungry kitty cat did the same thing - it reached out, and it ate the the slice of bread. Then half a loaf came down the river. The pussy cat reached out... but then it all went wrong; the pussy slipped, and landed right there in the river with the bread...


The moral of the story is... the bigger the loaf of bread, the wetter the pussy!"


...weird aunts make for awkward and amusing entertainment on Facebook...

Home Alone

For the first time in a year!

This evening the rest of the family leaves for the Canaries and I'll have the house to myself for two whole weeks!

What to do for two weeks?

My friend Sleepy simply suggested I host an orgy. Right. He's Dutch. I wonder what that would be like though, creating something like the infamous Plato's Retreat in a tiny town like this. Imagine the drama!

... I should probably stop watching documentaries starting well after midnight...


Two weeks and no plans.. any suggestions?

And there goes my sense of smell...

I hate being sick. Probably because I rarely am. Then again, I might have hated it more if it happened more frequently.

Thanks to my already sick sis, who drank from my bottles and sneezed in my face (thanks for that sis!) during the four days we spent on the road trip together, then laughed when I started coughing, exclaiming triumphantly she'd been able to infect someone (seriously - thanks!)... I am now sick.

I hate sick. I get angry with sick.
What I hate the most is losing my sense of smell and taste. What's the point in living if you have no sense of taste? Seriously - what's the point?

Now I'm just gonna do what I always do. Crawl into bed, sleep for three days and feel sorry for myself..? Nah. I'm gonna stay up, jump around, command myself to get well... and blow my nose ever five minutes until my sense of taste comes back (yuck... :-/)!

I do get angry with sick.
And this time I expect it to go away real fast.

The Mysterious Jeans

My mother came storming down the stairs and into my room a few days ago. She was all serious like and demanded to know if I'd had a guy in my room the previous night.

Now, you may wonder what brought this on, as I did, since my parents are not very likely to mind if there had been a guy in my room. But there had not. Then where did the jeans come from?

My mother had been folding clothes when she found a pair of jeans which did not belong to anyone in the house. Whose were they? The most entertaining solution my mother could think of was that there had been a guy in my room and I'd kicked him out in the middle of the night.

I said that might have been fun, but sorry, it didn't happen. My mother did not give up, instead she asked if this guy was someone I didn't want to see again (or admit to be seeing). I told her the truth,

"Mum, I think that if I'd kicked a guy out in the middle of the night, without his pants on, in half a meter of snow and -17C (1.4F), it's more likely that he's the one who won't be wanting to see me again."

At that, she could no longer keep a straight face. She did really wonder where the jeans came from though, perhaps we have a flasher in our midst?

2010

Since last..

• December
• Baking cookies
• Gingerbread houses
• Decorations
• Family
• Christmas
• Snow
  
• Presents
• New Year

That's about it.

Currently I'm a little bummed out to find there's a show about the most important economic news in Norway of the past year.

And just bummed out in general about life.. in general.

2009 wasn't all that, 2010 is a brand new year full of blank pages.
I wonder what I'll fill them with.

To Flu or Not to Flu

After seeming to disappear for a while, the swine flu has claimed its first victims around the country. In town, half the kids in school have been home sick this week; if they get symptoms they have to stay home for seven days, so how many actually has the flu is uncertain. The vaccines have arrived though, and those in the most vulnerable groups have started getting it, while it is recommended everyone get it as soon as possible.

I'm a little torn. On the one hand I hate being sick. I hate it so much I only do it once every couple of years. I'd do a lot to avoid getting sick. And if, in spite of my hatred, the virus picked me, I wouldn't want to make my whole family sick.

On the other hand, I feel everyone is overreacting. Keeping kids home for a week if they as much as cough, slaughtering pigs by the thousands, the media reporting every single death (9 so far) even though fewer die than from regular flu any other year.

People running around worried they'll get get it, quarantining everyone, arguing over vaccines. Add to that the fact that most people in other countries can't afford to buy it, and that they, the poorest in the world, are much more likely to die if they do get sick (whether it's this flu or not). Mix in a copious amount of solidarity, and you've got a pretty reluctant me.

I'm not sure what I'll decide to do if I have to make up my mind.


Which, incidentally, I might not have to. My sister is sick and coming home from school. The parents are driving a couple hours to pick her up and if she does have the flu, she'll be home for a week. Plenty of time to give it to the rest of us!

Sexuality : A Question Unanswered

I've been asked to write something about homosexuality and bisexuality. I never thought about the fact that I write my blog from a heterosexual point of view, but I guess that's to be expected since I don't have any experience with anything else. If anyone here have different views or experiences, please do share.


I'm not sure why this was so difficult to write. Why I couldn't find the words, never seemed to be able to express what I was thinking. Why everything sounded so negative and I had to delete everything and start over. Maybe I've just never put it into words before. Maybe I didn't know how to.

A couple years ago a friend added me on Facebook. I looked at his profile and there was something unexpected. It said "Interested in: Men". I was surprised. For about two seconds. Then I went "Ohhhh.... how did I not thing of that? That makes so much sense!". And that was it.

I think a lot of people experience a sense of disappointment when they find out a person isn't who they thought they were. They feel they've missed out, that something's been hidden. That the picture they had of you and the future they imagined isn't real. And never will be.


FRIENDS I think a lot of people say a lot of stupid things, mostly because they don't know what they really feel and how to express those feelings. It becomes easier to ridicule, to harass, to embarrass those who are different, rather than telling them it doesn't matter and that they'll always be your friend.

I think meeting someone who's gay or bisexual isn't the issue. That's just who they are. I think it's harder when an old friend tells you something like that. You start looking back at the past and feel you should have known. You might start questioning your experiences and your friendship. Then you realize this has probably been hard for them, and you respect them for who they are and the choices they never got to make.


FAMILY If it's a sibling it gets harder. The future, having kids, little cousins playing together. Bringing all your families home to your parents during Christmas. It changes. The picture is different. The same if it's a child, only then you've imagined their lives from the day they were born. You've seen them get married, you've seen them have kids. Now you have to erase all that and start over. And you realize it never really started until now. This is it.. your child has grown up and it's time to let go. They'll find love.. you hope. And all that matters is your baby's happy.

If it's a parent it's the hardest. It means your family splitting up. Children moving here or there. Separate houses, separate lives. It means all the memories of a happy childhood enveloped in a dark fog. For a while. It means Christmas will never be the same. Resentment towards the one who ruined it all. Then you accept the fact that even parents should be happy, and that you have to make the best of it. It will never be the same but.. it doesn't have to be that bad.


Who you sleep with, who you fall in love with, is not the issue. It's the distance between an imagined future and the one you'll start creating. It's the dreams people have of for you which will have to change. It's the image of you and the love of your life that has to be retouched, because it will no longer fit. Imagining nothing, we won't be disappointed. But imagination is a gift and a pleasure. Using it, we sometimes get disappointed when our dreams don't come true. Even dreams for others. But they were just that. Dreams.

Dreams change. And the best dreams are those that come true. Those you don't have to imagine. And even though they're not quite as you expected them.. they can still be everything you ever wished for. Even if you don't know it yet.

How you know it's time to consider getting a BF:

Your nine years younger sister asks you if you've met anyone in your tiny home town yet.

You say no.. the only single thing you've met was that dashing young sheep up the valley.

She then proceeds to suggest single guys "just a couple years older than you" (and naming a few of them) who you might be interested in.

"Nope, not interested."

She then starts asking if you didn't meet anyone at the festival a month ago.


I'm not sure what's going on, but I know I don't like it.


Sure, I met someone I might be... interested in. But that's a two-way street and you don't really get to negotiate with a STOP sign..

Too much information!

A lot of people complain about their Facebook-friends constantly updating their statuses with useless information. "Going to have dinner"... "Just had dinner"... "Watching a movie" - I know, who needs that right?

Fortunately I don't have too many of those. What I do have, however, is an aunt. Almost. She's my uncle's wife, 41 years young and kinda all over the place. Today she posted her quiz results from the test
"Where should you have SEX?";

On the bus
You know how to get around, traveling doesn't have to be boring! Spontaneity (and perhaps untamed horniness?) is a word which describes you well!

I like it when people are open and honest, but isn't this just a little too much information to share with your entire network of friends (not to mention your whole family.. including your 18 year old son)?

Then again, the test did make me curious... where should I have sex?

On a trampoline
A bouncy person like you whould enjoy the bounce of the trampoline! With the right rhytm and songs this could get pretty hot!

Now that's a thought...
(and no, I did not post that on Facebook!)
-----------

Dilemma, part 3

... or not.

My barely 16 year old sister, after three days of high school, got offered a place at another school two and a half hours away.

She's moving this weekend and seemed a little shocked at the thought I might not go with her. Not quite sure when it'll be yet.

I can't believe she's growing up so fast! What's the point of staying here when no one is around? Time to move again?

...here we go again...

I'm feeling I'm a little too old to get yelled at.

...then again, I'm probably also too old to occupy a room which looks like it was hit by a tornado two months ago and never got cleared.

I take my mother's fury over the state of my sister's room to be partly due to the state of mine.

...and the downstairs living room...


Anybody got a spare room?

Sweden?

After a slightly messed up and rainy July it's been rather boring just staying in town. So how about a road trip? Just a few days and not far across the border, but it's better than sitting around here.

Sweden's a cute country, and I haven't been for a while. For some reason it always seems to be sunny over there... We're only staying a few days, coming back for the weekend. The annual fair in town (if you can call it that) starts Friday and I haven't been the past three years or so. Might be fun, hoping to see some old friends.


Unfortunately, there's been another death in the family, my father's cousin this time. He was in Sweden with his wife when he went for a walk and never came back. Like my uncle three weeks ago, he just died for no apparent reason. Unexpected deaths, although they can shorten the pain, they only seem to bury it deeper inside you...

Almost time to go...

900 kilometers, the distance traveled every summer until I was 10. Five of us in the car, all the kids grown up now.

When we were younger, before my sister was born 16 years ago, my brother and I used to sleep in the back seat while our parents drove all night.

Lying there we'd squint our eyes and turn our heads from side to side making the street lights look funny when we passed Trondheim in the dark, knowing we were half-way there.

That little island always meant
summer. It's a home away from home,
a little piece of paradise. At least for me.


Happy times...

My Youngest Uncle

My uncle died today.
My mum's youngest brother. The youngest of the ten.

We haven't seen him for years, he wasn't there last time we were up north. And we haven't been up much lately.

It was as unexpected as can be. He hadn't been sick, he just... died.


My parents have canceled their trip to Spain, my brother is coming home. We're going up north for the funeral but we won't know a date until after the autopsy.


I guess it's true what they say... You gotta make the most out of life while you still have it. You never know when it'll be too late.

And I've already learnt it's better to regret what you've done than what you haven't. At least that way you know you've done what you can. And if your thoughts, dreams and fantasies remain just that... at least you know you tried.

I guess death teaches you that... you gotta do what you can, while you still can.

Family Visit

The family came to visit this weekend, bringing my brother's stuff here, and taking some of mine back home.

It's always fun when they come; time to go shopping, and whatever else is going on just has to wait for a few days. Especially when my sis stays at my place - after two minutes(!) in my room it looked like a tornado had swept through.

It's getting closer to summer and Bergen is a great city to be walking around in when the nights are warm and bright - there's people everywhere, short distances. It's starting to dawn on me I might actually miss this place...

The family has just left, I'm gonna check the news and I do believe I have a couple emails I need to answer :)

Gathering those loose ends

I'm adding a lot of people on Facebook these days. I know it'll probably be another one of those places that has a lot of fans, only to disappear in a couple years, never to be thought of again. But for once I want to try to keep in touch.

On there I'm not apples, I'm the real me. So if I've added you it means I care. At least a little. As a general rule I only add people I've met and want to meet again, so my circle of "friends" has been rather limited thus far.

Now is not any different - I'm adding the people I once knew, and hope to know once more. Or at least talk to once in a while. That includes people from home, family, high school, Uni, flatmates, Amnesty, Uganda, work, you name it.

There are plenty of people I can't find, not all are on there, but no matter. It's fun seeing what those I do find are up to these days :)

Dreaming Donald

Last night I dreamt my brother was throwing away books. And not just any books - Donald Pocket books! I was screaming at him, how could he just throw them away?

I read my first copy of these when I was 8 and we were going away for a weekend with relatives. We'd always had the magazines and I've always loved Donald. My brother was 5 at the time and when he got a little older he started reading them too. Years later he threatened to sell his to a friend and I bought them from him.

Now all the books (which I haven't dared count) are stored in boxes under my bed at home. Every time I come home my sister has a stack of them in her room (I think because when I come home she knows she can just dump them in my room and she won't have to put them away), and I still get a Christmas edition from Santa every year.

So what does the dream mean? Not to analyze too much but the obvious conclusion seems so be that I'm reluctant to give up on my childhood (didn't need a dream to tell me that).

Those books weren't the only things my brother was throwing out, and I think it was significant it was him. He's all grown up, got a job, moved in together with his girlfriend (and I have a feeling it won't be long before they start *ick!* reproducing).

I wouldn't want the roles to be reversed, I couldn't handle being tied down like that. But he has grown up a lot faster than me, and I just don't want to lose my baby brother...

Names

I've asked my parents several times why and how I got my name, and every time they tell me they don't really have an explanation, when I was born that was just meant to be my name.

Today I learnt my name is part Hebrew and part Persian, and means "gracious child of light".

I'm rather happy with the origins of the name, even though my parents never knew its meaning :)

Here you can check what your name means.