A Disturbing Dream

Last night I had a dream so disturbingly weird I just have to write it down somewhere.

I don't remember how it started, but the cast was the people who used to be in my class. I don't know why we were together, but there we were. And someone decided we should all kill ourselves.

I'm not sure how that idea came up, but suddenly people just decided it should be done. There was something about people were going to come in, something about NASA or something, storing the bodies - and everyone was okay with that.

Kids

A few nights ago I dreamt I had a child.

The birth itself was quick, easy, painless. The baby was big. I breastfed her. It felt amazing. I felt so connected to her, like nothing I've ever felt before.

The child grew fast - two days later she had eight teeth and was like an eight year old. I remember in the dream I said "you have like eight theeth". I don't know why eight - it was more like twelve. But she was like an eight year old.


I've never felt that desire to have kids. I crave freedom, I don't know where I'll be, what I'll do. Who I'll be with. For the first time, though it was in a dream, I felt what it was like to have a child.

Thoughts and dreams

Last night I dreamt I was on a bed and suddenly saw someone I've slept with have sex with someone else. The girl was on top, then he turned her around and got on top. That's when I saw it was him.. for two seconds before it wasn't him anyway. That felt indescribably... weird. Especially since I knew the girl too.

I've never been the kind of person who can sleep with someone without feeling anything. It happens whether I want it to or not, and I've always wondered what it would be like to just... not care. When sex is just sex, and forgotten the next day. It must be so easy. Convenient. Not to feel. I'm just not like that.

I don't mean that I need to be in love to sleep with someone, nor that I fall in love afterwards. Still, it's.. different. I care more, whether it's platonic or something else. Which is why it does feel weird to sleep with someone then basically never talk to them again. I hate to leave things hanging, not to get an end to things. Not to know what happened, if anything at all.

I'm more committed to my words than to my feelings. That's not always a good thing.

Last night I cut off my testicles

In a dream, of course.

Which is kinda weird since I'm a girl and therefore don't have any...

I think, in my dream, I knew a guy who'd done it, and I thought that there was no reason to keep mine; they didn't do anything and they were just in the way anyway. There were no other guy-parts, but apparently it was normal for girls to have balls down there somewhere. I'm not entirely sure where they were attached though...

I remember thinking guys might find it weird, me not having any, and the argument against plastic surgery jumped into my head; why fix something that isn't broken, you never know what complications will arise.

But I did it anyway, I sat down and cut them off with a pair of scissors. Unlike guy's testicles they were two separate things, hanging by two different bits of skin about 5mm in diameter. When I cut them off, and it didn't hurt, there was some sort of tube inside.. it looked like hollowed out spaghetti (definitely inspired by the fried squid rings I made a week ago which looked exactly the same inside).

Then I think I woke up, because I don't remember why I was doing it or what happened afterwards. I didn't even remember the dream until 12 hours later.

Gross, you say?
Kinda, I suppose.

I've never liked football or volleyball, but there are some ball games I do like... as long as the balls belong to the right guy. But being a proud owner myself? I think I'll pass.

*I have a feeling next time I see a pair I'll investigate them thoroughly to see exactly what they look like, where they're attached and how one might.. remove them. That was a weird dream...*

When Night Falls...

The room is dark, but there are sounds outside a door. No light, no footsteps, no voices. Just the sound of someone, or something, breathing, moving on the floor. The silence is eerie, but soothing. After all the screaming and yelling it's a relief to know night has come and the voices have stopped.


It's not a small room, the floor and walls are made of wood. It looks old and doesn't have any furniture. A crate in the corner and some beams to hold up the roof. It looked like there might have been a window in a corner once, but it's too dark to see now. The darkness is the only thing that can protect you here.


When morning comes, the men will be back. You don't know where they'll go, what they'll do to you today. Some days you hear muted screams in the distance. Some still have a fighting spirit left in them, others are too worn down to care anymore. But they all scream when they're taken away. And nobody ever comes back.


The next day, after someone is gone, they'll usually come for you. Not to take you away, but sometimes you think that would have been easier to deal with. The younger of the men is always in a strange mood on days like that. Like a subdued ecstatic one. I wonder if they know the red drops on his shoes are visible. I wonder what he does to them. I wonder, as they take their turns and kill another few pieces of my soul, whether I'll be next.

No wonder I'm always tired when dreams like these fill my nights. This was only a small part of one of a few last night. I seem to be in one of my "two weeks of violent dreams"-periods.. I haven't had one of those for a while, my dreams are usually a lot happier than this.

This dream ended well though. When I was younger I tended to give up, now I fight more in my dreams. Although I do wake up kinda freaked, it did feel pretty good to fly over the ocean at the end, leaving the psycho killers behind..

Dreaming of the 28th

Something in me seems to have a hard time giving up on being a student.

When I wake up in the mornings I get a tiny little bit panicky because I've postponed an assignment for so long, for months, and now it has to be handed in on the 28th!

It takes me about a minute to realize that "I've finished school. There are no more papers!" I think I'm getting flashbacks to the last paper I wrote at uni, but I can't figure out why the date 28 keeps popping up. I guess it just takes a while to get used to not stressing over exams anymore.


Today is the 28th.. I guess we'll just have to see what the day brings.

Fantasy turned Dream

Do you ever fantasize about people in a position of authority? Everybody fantasizes about something and this is probably an all time favourite - guys like nurses and school teachers, girls like policemen and fire fighters. Who do you fantasize about?

I had a fantasy-turned-dream about my doctor a few nights ago. One of those dreams where you truly hate your alarm when it goes off because it wakes you just as it starts getting good.

Lately I've also been having some dreams about people I've used to know through the years, but as far as I can remember they've all been rather innocent. I wonder how it would be like if one of those suddenly turned dirty... (I can only hope we'd all be grown up and not still 10!)

Elusive Dreams

I think I've figured out why it's so hard to get up in the morning.

Of course, it's mostly because I'm sleepy. Getting up sucks. It hurts having to drag yourself out of bed when it's so warm and comfy.

So I hug a pillow (of which I have many), hit snooze, and roll over.

That's when the problems start. I dream. I seem to have more vivid dreamst after I've woken up and fallen asleep again. They're nice dreams, dreams I don't want to wake up from, and that I really want to see where are going.

Every time the alarm rings after that, it's like I can give the dream a push in the direction I want it to take. I can make myself fall asleep and make the dream start again, and it takes me where I want it to take me.

Then, inevitably, I wake up one last time and can't fall asleep again, with the dream not quite being over. Without really having known that it was a dream and there were no consequences. That I could do anything.

Dreams from home

Last night I dreamt about someone I went to school with - I'm never able to dream about someone I haven't seen for years and it was a nice surprise. Some dreams make you wake up feeling relaxed and this was one of them.

My mum asked me yesterday when a girl in my class will have her next baby and I started thinking about what everyone is doing now. Some people I see pretty much every time I'm home, others I haven't met since we left school - and it's been quite a few years now.

Growing up in such a small town had its ups and downs. Moving away gave me a great sense of freedom - I no longer had to play the part that had been handed to me, and which I'd reluctantly embraced. It took a while before I realized I was defining myself through other people's perceptions of me.

That's all changed, and today I'm a different person. We all probably are. The longer I stay away, the more I enjoy coming back here. And I don't think that will ever change.

I have the weirdest dreams...

Last night I dreamt I wanted to find a new place for my toothbrush. I remember I was brushing my teeth, then I put the brush back in its place. I stood looking at it for a little while and realized that might be a silly place to keep it, and why hadn't I thought of that before?

The place it was in was the toilet bowl. There was something at the bottom of the toilet to put the toothbrush in so it was standing up, and that was its place. I was looking at it and thought "huh... when I go to the toilet I must be almost touching it" then came the sinking realization that "when it's standing like that, people have probably hit it when they've peed.."

And then... "If someone goes to the toilet and does no. 2... how can they avoid hitting the toothbrush? They can't! It's right there, in the middle of the toilet!"


It was only a dream but I'm not sure I can ever get myself to use that toothbrush again...

.dreams

"I remember one teacher told us that you know that you mastered the language when you dream with English."

- Ayoub the Berber

Je peux pas dormir...

Last night I realized some books are good to read when you're in bed and about to go to sleep. "The Sexual Life of Catherine M" is not one of them.

I put the book down but kept tossing and turning and couldn't sleep until past 6am. I was supposed to get up at 7 which didn't happen.

I hope to sleep a little more than two hours tonight. As long as I can stay away from that book... I get all kinds of pictures and ideas in my head...

Saturday night stuff

I had another dream. Well.. I had two.

The first one was a really good one, I woke up smiling. I never wake up smiling.

The second one was annoying, someone helped me, then wouldn't leave me alone. It's best never to need anyone. Never ever.


There's a party in the building tonight. I went down for a while, there was supposed to be a quiz then pizza. It was boring, people were drinking, the quiz wasn't happening so I left. It's been a while since I did a quiz, which is too bad. I like questions.

I like having my facts straight.


Also I was watching a show today. I'm never gonna marry a rich guy. The more money you have, the more you expect. Unrealistic expectations. If I want money, I'm gonna make them myself.

I realize that this is a terrible generalization. It was just my instant reaction and usually my first reaction is the right one.

Wake me up before you go-go

I've been having all kinds of strange dreams lately. I never dream. Well, we all dream but I never usually remember any of them. I just sleep, then I wake up. But these past weeks, months, they've been packed with weird, unsettling dreams.

I woke up very early this morning and I went back to sleep. I had a dream about a big cabin. My family was there, or at least they were supposed to be my family, I just remember telling my brother something about a hotel in France and this was supposed to be it. But it was a cabin of some sort, a real big one.

Someone was at the door, some guys. They were talking about something and they never seemed to finish. They'd said they wanted to ask something or borrow something, and after a while I told them to tell me what they wanted, if they were just going to talk, I'd go back inside. They kept talking, I closed the door.


Skip forward to a house, big windows, a pool outside. A little girl is swimming in the pool. I'm watching from the other side. At the same time, I'm this guy coming over to the pool. I am him but at the same time I'm just observing. He tells the girl to come quickly, I have a feeling the guys from the cabin are after him. The girl gets out of the pool and they go inside.

Again I feel I'm him, but I'm just watching. He's getting the girl inside, but he's walking in front of her, looking around. I keep thinking; why is he walking in front of her? Wouldn't I have pushed her in front of me to get her inside as fast as possible to make sure she was safe? I can feel he's scared.

They both get inside but now I no longer see the guy, I'm him or he's me. I close the glass door just as the guys come. I've locked it, one of them is coming up, standing inches away from me on the other side of a thin sheet of glass. He puts his hand to his face, putting his middle finger up in front of my eyes. They go around the house. I wonder why they didn't break the glass, wonder what they want.

There are others in the house, they must be the girl's parents. I know them. There's another door, I remember locking one. Then there's another, the front door, that's locked. A minute or two passes. Then a key in the lock. They had a key. For some reason this isn't surprising. They come inside, say not to worry, they just want to call a taxi.

I'm sitting by a table. There's meat on the table... it's shaped like a big jar, but it's in some kind of fabric with a thin rope around the top. It's standing at the end of the table, right next to me. I don't know if I do this or if it's one of the guys, but someone pulls the rope, making the fabric pull up like a little bag, almost closing it but not quite. Some of the meat comes out of the top, some water with it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, I want to clean up what spilled and wash my hands.

Then one of the guys has a gun. I think what would happen if he put it to the meat, we'd have to watch our legs under the table, if he did that, would we all watch our legs so we wouldn't get shot? He puts the gun on top of the little bag of meat and pulls the trigger. There's a hole in the meat. I don't know where the bullet went.

Then I wake up.


I don't know what these dreams mean. And I don't really mind having them. They're not nightmares, they just make me think. Breathe a little faster as I wake up. Think a little more before I go to sleep.

Don't think I've dreamt about guns before though...

Dream away

Yesterday I was reading in Sandman's blog. He wrote a post called "freud the dreamman".

Last night I had a dream. I was away somewhere, I believe my family was there and so were some other relatives. I was staying in a building, a tall one. I was wearing white clothes; a long white skirt, a white top, white shoes. I wanted to have a white purse but ended up with a black one. A little spot of black in between a lot of white.

I killed someone. Or I had killed someone, but it was like I was a man when I did it. It was like I wasn't conscious when it happened, I just knew I had done it and had to get rid of the body. I was meant to do it, I was killing the people staying there one by one. And nobody noticed. I offered to be the one to take out the trash and that was when I dumped the bodies. I was very careful not to let anyone notice what was going on, I don't remember feeling guilty about killing them, I didn't remember killing them, I just felt I had done it, knew I had done it, and the only feeling I had was a quiet worry that someone might find out.

Then something changed. I was to kill this girl.. a young woman. For the first time I was myself when I was doing it, I was conscious, I was aware what was going on. I gave her two Smarties (or the Norwegian equivalent), I seemed to believe she'd die from them but she just fell asleep. I realized it was just a dream. The woman, who must have been about my age, was coming to herself. I knew it was a dream but was still worried someone would discover what I'd been doing. I knew I had to kill her.

I had been very careful all along not to leave anything that might tell someone what was going on. I remember thinking I didn't have to wash off my fingerprints because I was staying in the building and it was only natural that my fingerprints were found there. The woman woke up and I had to knock her out. I saw a flower pot of glass but I couldn't use it because it might break. I saw something of wood or metal on the table, some kind of short, thick candle holder of some kind. I didn't use it though, I hit her in the face with my right fist. Then my left, then my right, then my left... I realized I didn't hit hard, she couldn't possibly get hurt by that, even though that was my intention. I realized how stupid it must look, how hard it is to keep your balance and not let your hands fly around.

I hit her so many times she fell over. I knew it was a dream, I thought it was a dream, she fell to the floor, a knowing smile on her face while I kept pounding. She must have died at last, I remember thinking I had to get her out. Then suddenly I was leaving, or I was in another room, holding something small I had to get rid of. I had the feeling it was a head. But it couldn't be, I'd have to get rid of the whole body, not just a head. Or a face. That's how I thought of it. A face.



The hitting might be easy enough to explain. While walking down from a mountain yesterday, my sister asked me how high I could kick so we were walking down the hills kicking our feet in the air. Then she said she wanted boxing gloves and a bag and started talking about how when someone came up behind her, she'd always used to turn around ready to punch them, that was just her way of reacting. Then we tried that and she turned around and I was gonna pretend to punch her. Unfortunately she came further back than either of us planned and my hand went closer to her face than we thought and I ended up punching her in the nose.

It wasn't hard and she said it didn't hurt (I tried punching myself in the face to see if it would hurt...) but that was the first time I almost punched someone in the face.

But what was all that stuff about all white clothes? I didn't see the clothes except in the mirror. I didn't see them when I put them on and I never saw my face. Girls and clothes, I know, but it wasn't like that, I was just wearing it all, I was putting on my shoes then trying to find a white hand bag. Instead of going all white I chose something black. Does that mean anything? It felt strange.

And why did I kill someone? Why didn't I know I did it until afterwards? Why did the last one wake up? Why did I have to kill her when I realized it was a dream? Would I have killed her if I didn't think it was a dream? Why didn't I stop to think?

My dreams have been getting more violent lately. I don't dream a lot, or if I do I don't "live" them and I forget them before I wake up. Those I have had the last months, and remembered, have been violent. I dream a bit then it skips something and I'm only there to pick up the pieces.

The last week

The net took a break on Friday and wasn't back up until Tuesday. I hate it when that happens during the weekend, they usually fix it on Monday but this time it took until Tuesday night. But I'm back (can't get rid of me) and I've listed a few things I wanted to comment on.

Helicopters
There's a military training thing going on in the ocean just off the coast. Soldiers from several countries are out there for a couple of weeks before moving further north where they will be joined by more soldiers from other countries. They'll pretend to be 'protecting the peace' in a country called Utopia.

And this weekend I saw a helicopter. Well, it looked more like a small airplane, but it was a helicopter. With four windows like in airplanes, biggest helicopter I've ever seen. People staring up into the sky everywhere. Today there were two more, normal sized though, strange green colour, flying over the city.

Dream 1
I dreamt I was wearing see-through underwear under see-through clothes. Not a good idea. Rather disturbing actually... :)

Dream 2
A dream about something I thought I'd remember but I've forgot.

Singing birds
The birds here are singing at night. We don't usually hear birds singing during the winter, they've all gone south months ago. But now they're singing at 3am. I know this because I'm awake at 3am, which I shouldn't be. But the birds are awake too... I wonder what's going on.

Dragon Mountain
After they've started tearing down the Student Centre where we used to have our lectures, we now go to the concert hall Grieghallen, and we've also had our first lecture at the law school, or the law department of the University. There are 850 of us and they have to split us between two auditoriums to fit us in. Most of us, anyway. The law school is affectionately, and officially, known as the Dragon Mountain. That's what it says in the papers we get from the University, that's what the professors say; "the next lecture is at the Dragon Mountain". Guess that says it all about our future lawyers.

Great professor
I love our Cognition professor! I do, I really do. We've had one lecture Monday afternoon. Entering the auditorium tired after lectures on Methods and Developmental Psychology, we all quickly woke up. The professor is from Switzerland and he's great. He takes a few seconds to get his Norwegian right every time, although we understand him perfectly (most of the time), but when he's the funniest guy you've met in ages, it's really really worth it. And it's not like some of the other professors who seem to struggle to put a joke in there, he just says something or does something and... I don't know, maybe he should be a comedian. He's a natural. Plus he really knows what he's talking about - I went straight home and started reading the book. Can't wait for the next lecture on Cognition.

Attachment
We talked about attachment in Development. Some kids don't get a strong attachment to their parents and can have problems getting attached to people later in life. They can grow up (and into) not needing intimacy or being close to others. As adults they are just like everybody else, they just have problems telling or showing people they care about them, or they just don't need other people. We learnt about a lot of different kinds of children and adults, but I noticed this one. I'm wondering if that's what happened to me. Not that my parents ever did anything wrong, it's not about that, but maybe I just... have that kind of personality.

What if I'll never be able to tell, or show, someone that I care about them? What if I'll never let myself need anyone? How would that work? That's the way it is now, maybe the critical and/or sensitive periods for attachment are long gone and I'm forever destined to... well it's not that I don't care about people, cuz I do. I guess it's just hard to see, and it must seem like I don't really care about anyone. But I do.

Dream 3
I dreamt I was drinking coke. Which is strange because I don't really like coke...

Dream 4
Started dreaming a lot lately... Dreamt a woman was paying for something at a shop and she had 20 øre (3.5 cents) less than what she had to pay (weird since our smallest coin is 50 øre). The person at the till said it didn't matter. Then the woman walked out and I found 20 øre. Suddenly I was that woman and I walked back into the shop and gave them the 20 øre coin I had found.

We Were Soldiers
This was the Sunday night movie last week and I decided to watch it. After having seen Full Metal Jacket a few days earlier, I guess I expected something like it. I liked the first part of FMJ but the second part was... well I can't really say, I've never been anywhere close to a situation like that, but it didn't seem real and the feeling just wasn't there. In We Were Soldiers, however, the feeling was there. Big time. I loved it. I sometimes hope the ending won't be a happy ending when I watch movies because happy endings... life isn't always like that. We want it to be, but it's not reality. That's a horrible thing to say isn't it? Not wanting happy endings? Anyway, I don't know if you've seen it or not, but in the last scene, when the taxi came, I was expecting a letter. And when it wasn't... I think everyone who has seen that movie must have felt the relief I felt. Even if it was just a movie. I hope real life has happy endings.

Insomnia

I can't sleep!

Yesterday (or this morning) I went to bed at 3:30am. I rolled around, tossed and turned, closed my eyes and opened them again, could not sleep. At 6am, two hours before my alarm was set to go off, I made a cup of chamomile tea and sat down to read something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I hoped that when I'd had some tea and read something dreadfully boring, I might fall asleep. No such luck. At 8 I was still awake. Couldn't bring myself to get out of bed so I stayed put for another hour.

At 9 I pulled myself out of bed and into the shower, got dressed, had breakfast and left. I had classes at 10, two hours of Methods of Research then two of Developmental Psychology. Luckily the professors we have in those classes can be rather entertaining at times. I sat on about the seventh row today, as opposed to the last two weeks when I've been way in the back, about row 25 (I'm always a little late). I actually got to see the professors today and the guy in Methods was actually kinda cute! Who knew?

I hate not being able to sleep... Sometimes my feet get cold between going to the bathroom and getting into bed (they probably turn to ice while I put on my pj's). I don't notice it until I'm in bed and then there's nothing I can do. I can't sleep when my feet are cold. That's what happened the night before last, I law awake for three hours, feet freezing, too many thoughts in my head. I had too many thoughts in my head last night aswell. Good thoughts though...

And I've been having strange dreams... Well, only two, but I usually never have dreams. The first was about meeting an old man sitting in a chair at the hairdresser's, he had killed two people and I didn't have a clue what to say to him. I think I know why I had this dream, I scared myself a little and I realized I should stop worrying, there's nothing to worry about, what's the worst that can happen? The next night I had a dream that lasted just a few seconds, a few images, like a movie. I don't remember what it was about but it seemed like two scenes from something familar. First one thing, then another. Something changing... Last night I didn't dream anything. I didn't sleep. Well... I still dreamt though...

A lot of people have problems sleeping, I've just never been one of them. I had this a few months ago aswell, for a week or two it took me around two hours to fall asleep. Every night. I think I'm usually a 'good' sleeper - I fall asleep when I get into bed, I wake up when the alarm goes off (then I turn it off and turn around...), when I'm doing something important I never have problems getting up (has to be very important though), I'm a heavy sleeper in the sense that you can make a lot of noise and I usually won't wake up but at the same time I'm not hard to wake up when you need me to, or so I'm told. But I don't know if I talk in my sleep or snore or move around a lot... my teddy bears have never complained.

It's just annoying! I can't control my own sleeping...
Frustrating... But at the same time an interesting experiment :)